Chapter Seven- The ‘Civil’ War

Abby 

You’ve probably heard statistics about children of divorce. Something like they are more likely to abuse drugs, leave the church, join the circus, grow a third ear… Just pick something that will make you feel rotten, and that’s what your divorce is doing to your child. 

When my divorce was finalized, my sons were eleven months and two years old. I just kept thinking that in these formative years, they need to be around a mom and a dad. They are like little sponges, just soaking up the world around them. Other people found it comforting to tell me it’s better they aren’t older so maybe they won’t remember. I don’t think it matters their age, whether they are infants, middle schoolers, college-bound – there is never a convenient time for kids to go through a divorce. 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to sit back and let my child become a statistic. I remember very clearly thinking and praying, asking God to tell me what I could do to give my kids a fighting chance at being okay. What was revealed to my head and my heart was this: 

I will love their father. 

Before you throw the book across the room, give me a second. I know this isn’t easy. Trust me. But you’re not doing it for your ex-husband. You’re doing it for your child, and your child is worth it. 

However you feel about your husband receiving the prefix “ex,” one thing remains true, he is still your child’s father, and that fact carries an enormous weight. I believed as a wife and mother that part of my job was to help my husband be the best dad he could be. That hasn’t changed just because we are no longer married, but it is definitely more difficult. 

So how do you love him? What does this look like? Well, it looks a whole lot like this: 

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 

Was that passage from 1 Corinthians read wedding? It really is a perfect guide for loving your spouse. The funny thing is, it’s also the perfect guide for loving your ex-spouse. 

Loving him means you have to be vulnerable. You have to bite your tongue. You have to put your pride on the back burner. It does not mean you have to be walked on. But you do have to approach moments of conflict with respect. What if he doesn’t reciprocate? Do it anyway. It is easier to be angry, to shut everything else out, but I’ll tell you what. That is exhausting. 

Have you rolled your eyes so many times that you’re dizzy? Are you arguing with me by saying I don’t understand your situation, what he’s like? You’re right. I don’t. But that still doesn’t mean it’s impossible. God understands your pain and frustration, and He wants to get you through this. 

You will mess up. You will have moments where you’re not being loving. But dust yourself off and try again. If you don’t know where to start, start by praying for your ex-husband. This might be the most important thing you can do for your child’s relationship with his father. If you can pray with your child for dad … go for it. Your kid will look back years down the road and say, “Man, my mom. She’s got some character.” If you don’t want to pray for him, ask God to give you the desire. And if you are feeling particularly strong one day, ask for the ability to forgive and then cooperate with that grace. That is where the life-changing stuff happens. 

It’s my prayer that if your heart is hardened because you’ve been hurt and this is the chapter you like the least, this is where God will prove his power the most. He wants this for you and for your children. Whether they are three or thirty, he wants them to have more than a fighting chance. For each one of them, He wants a life of peace, love, and, I’m fairly certain, ahead with only two ears. Now brush off the book and apologize to it for throwing it across the room. 

What Matters Most: To Do List 

If you’re still engaged in a civil war with your Ex, try some of these pointers: 

There are great classes on learning to co-parent in peace with your Ex taking one of those can give you some tips when things get difficult. Do you still harbor feelings of bitterness and anger towards your ex-husband? Go see a counselor and pray that God gives you peace. 

Next time you’re tempted to say something negative about your ex-husband,  bite your tongue. If he’s made a mistake, the kids probably already know, and you have an opportunity for a character-building moment. 

Pray for your ex, but also pray for guidance in having a successful co-parent relationship. Sometimes just talking to God about it eases your stress.

 Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. If you don’t have a bible, just look it up online.

Use this as a guide for how to deal with the difficult waters of co-parenting. Remember how much you love your children and start there.