Chapter Three- Despair

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but
we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not
driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never
abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we
are not destroyed.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

More often than you think, you will be wandering around during college, maybe actually lost because the campus is so big, or lost in your search for a purpose, a career, and an identity. It’s almost like being a lost sheep. “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do?” Jesus said in Luke 15:4b. “Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go search for the one that is lost until he finds it?” That story is a parable for us—we are Jesus’ flock. And just as He would find a lost sheep, He will do the same for you. He will constantly go after your heart until you let Him in, and then He will guide your path. He will never leave you behind, to wander around lost by yourself.

I can recall many times in college when I struggled with my purpose and identity. I felt spiritually lost. Whatdoes God want me to do with my life? What is my purpose here on earth? Should I be doing more? Who am I as a woman of Christ? What is my identity?
If you have asked yourself any of these questions, you are not alone. College is a pivotal time in a young woman’s life, because we get the chance to discover who we are. Free at college, living on our own, away from our parents, and taking those first steps toward a career. Those decisions are scary and big, and some of us follow what others do, rather than striking out on our own. It is easy to feel despair in those moments. To feel lost, alone, and helpless. Faith is about believing in what we cannot see, and there will be times in your life where your faith falters because you can’t see God standing beside you. Despair can overwhelm you, paralyze you, keep you from living and loving your life. Hold on…there are ways to combat those feelings and bring yourself back around to strength and joy.

Disappointments
Disappointments will come in big and small forms throughout college and life, and in those moments when it seems that all is lost, we can fall into a state of despair. We do not have to be defeated by setbacks. Try to remember that disappointment often stems from unrealistic expectations. We want more than what we have, and when we don’t have it, disappointment settles in.

When you were a little kid, you probably wished for a particular toy. When you were a teenager, you looked to friends, a boy, or a new car to make you content and happy. When you got to college, you think doing it all: a sorority, good grades, clubs, and finding a husband will make your life mean something. When you graduate, it’s all about finding the best job, getting married, or buying another car to replace your old one. The “needs” continue to escalate, and when we don’t receive those things, then disappointment can easily edge into despair and those thoughts of I’m never going to get a good job. I’m going to be in debt forever. I’m going to be stuck in this awful apartment.
Do you see the problem here? Those kinds of thoughts are about the lack of things, when the real lack is in your faith. Where is God? Are you actually content and happy when you base those emotions on achievements and possessions? No. Because there will always be another new and shiny toy to chase. Contentment comes from within, not from outside of yourself.
The most frequent disappointments for me during college came from my friends. I had to learn that I couldn’t expect too much out of people. They are human just like me, with their own sinful natures. The fact is, you will be let down, you will get hurt, you will be left alone sometimes. What you do about those situations is what is important.
I used to put too much of my joy into my friend’s hands. I gave them the control over my emotions and mood. If they liked me or included me or called me often, I was happy. When they didn’t, I was depressed. This was a dangerous place to be. I came to realize this as disappointment after disappointment happened. It hurts to be left out. I get that. I would look at my Snapchat and Instagram feeds and see some of my friends together having fun at an amusement park and realize I had been left out. I was never invited. I took it personally, which would leave me in a state of despair. Maybe my friends didn’t like me. Maybe I wasn’t fun enough… It was a vicious circle that did nothing but undermine my joy. Finally, I got mad at myself for being so affected by something out of my control, and decided I had to shift my thinking. To pull myself out of that state of despair by looking to God.
No matter how big or small a disappointment maybe—from not being invited to a party, to losing your dream job—we must remember where to put our joy. If we put it in external things, we will be weighed down when things don’t go the way we expect. On this earth, our joy has to come from the Lord, the only One who will truly satisfy our souls. We do not have to wallow in our disappointments and let them bring us to a dark place.
When something doesn’t go the way I want it to, I give myself a minute to entertain the disappointment I’m facing. That’s it—one minute. Then I stop and think about the source of those negative feelings. I know that God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11), which means those emotions of despair are coming from the enemy. Why would I want to allow the devil to whisper inside of my head? After that minute is up, I breathe the negativity out of me with a deep breath and let it go to God. I then forgive whoever has disappointed me. I do not let bitterness reside in my heart. I forgive them and then move forward. Sometimes I choose to meditate on Psalm 28:7, “The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
You have to make a choice every day to decide what you will allow to affect your day or not affect it. I choose to put my joy, hope, and trust in God. When a disappointment comes my way, I do my minute-pity-party and then get on with my day! I refocus my eyes on what makes me happy, which is knowing how much God loves me and that the path He has planned for me will be better than anything I could have planned for myself.

Loneliness
Another component of despair is loneliness. When you go to college, you are stepping into a new world, often one that is far from all the people and places you know. You become convinced that you are alone. You have no friends. God doesn’t hear your cries. You think you have no one to turn to. I have been there, and so have some of my friends.
There have been many times in my life when I have experienced all three of these feelings: loneliness, abandonment, and disappointment. One of my friends told me recently that she went through a long period of that.
My mom passed away from a cancerous brain tumor when I was 15 years old. The days, months, and years that followed were full of these unwanted feelings. The pain I felt after losing my mom to cancer is hard to even put into words. The word “lonely” seems like an understatement. My whole life changed in one day, and I no longer had my best friend, mentor, and caretaker in my life.
These feelings of loneliness extended beyond just the loss of a mother. It was not long after she was gone that I began to feel like my dad was gone too. Shortly after my mom passed away, my dad filled the void in his heart by dating a new woman I had never met. He began to bury himself in work, he rarely engaged in conversation about my mom, and he seldom came home. I was disappointed that my dad would choose to be so distant during a time when my sister and I needed him most.

This disappointment gradually led to a deep feeling of loneliness and sadness. A year after my mom passed away, my sister went off to college, and I was more alone than ever before. She was my only sense of refuge during that first year without Mom and Dad around. As a 16-year-old girl, I felt like I was facing life alone. After weeks and months of coming home from school to an empty house, I decided to load my car with some of my belongings and stay with a friend for a while. After a few months of this, I chose to go back home and focus more on my relationship with my dad. Through much heartache and tears during this season, I grew up along the way and trusted God in the process.
Overall, I have to believe that deep down, my dad was just lost and did not know how to cope with the death of his wife. However, seven years have passed, and things have not really changed much. Early on, it would have been hard for me to say that I was “abandoned.” The word “abandoned” carries a negative connotation and is not something that I would ever want to be defined as. However, when I look back at the last seven years, whether I like it or not, that is exactly what I was.
My friend, however, has not let all of this impact her zest for life. She has heartache, but she has chosen to live with joy and gratitude. I asked her how she overcame those feelings of despair and she said it was simple—through her faith: God has walked alongside me during the most painful days of my life, and I know that He is capable of restoring and healing me
One verse that has encouraged me is Ephesians 3:20 which says, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” I hold onto this promise daily as I continue to walk hand in hand with Jesus. I still have hard days, but this verse gives me hope that He continues to work within me even when He seems distant.
That hope that we talked about in Chapter One has carried my friend through her hardest days. She knows that God was with her through it all, because she felt Him in the special friends He had brought into her life just when she needed them most, in the strength inside her to forgive, and in the blessing of a sister who faces the world with her.
Through the despair, God was blossoming her into the woman she is today. Strong, inspiring, and brave. Allow Him to do this in your life! Whether it is your identity you are struggling with, or a huge disappointment you can’t
get over, or true loneliness, lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. Once you do that, you will be able to move forward, towards the future God has planned for you!