Forgiveness
The woman across from me told me a painful, horrific story in a soft, low voice. She paused and then said, “I need to do something that I needed to do a long time ago. Offering him forgiveness will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.” She looked up at me. “I’m scared.”
I understood her fear. Forgiving what seems unforgiveable requires a massive amount of fortitude and faith. But my friend, who exposed layer after layer of her past during our conversation, was one of the strongest people I’d ever met.
Marie was born and raised in California. When she was seven years old, the man who was supposed to protect her, her father, began sexually abusing her. All the innocence that rightly belonged to her was forcefully stripped away. She confided in her mother, expecting refuge and support. Instead, her mother betrayed her, telling Marie to hide this secret and never speak of it again. With her silence, the abuse got worse sending Marie into a downward spiral
Why We Need Forgiveness
We have all been hurt by the words or actions of others. The worst sting is when that hurt comes from someone we love. A wounded heart can leave us with years of anger, bitterness, and resentment, along with an occasional burning desire for vengeance. Although we may never forget the hurt that was done to us, it is possible to break away from the hold it has on our lives and prevent it from causing any more damage.
Jesus is the ultimate example of forgiveness. He loved and He forgave, over and over again. There’s a dramatic story in the Bible, found in John, chapter 8, where the Temple leaders brought what they thought would be a challenging issue to Jesus. A woman was caught in the act of adultery, an offense punishable by death—stoning to death to be exact. The Temple leaders brought her before Him expecting justice to be done—not only for her betrayed husband, but also for every man he represented. As this was a capital punishment, a curious crowd gathered to watch.
To everyone’s surprise, Jesus stood up and, without speaking a word, began writing in the sand. That was unusual. Finally, He spoke and when He did, He said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Perplexed and confused, the crowd dissipated, dropping their stones to the ground. Then He gently told the offender, “Go and sin no more.” In this story, Jesus does not condemn the woman for her actions.
Instead, she is called to change. He calls her to repentance but the message here is for each and every one of us.
You may find this astonishing, but we need to forgive our offender. Even if he or she instigated our downward spiral. For Marie, what her father did to her led to defiant behavior well into her thirties. In her teens, she was introduced to the world of drugs and alcohol. For her, those substances masked her pain and provided temporary respite, allowing her to forget about the abuse. Eventually, her past made its way back into her reality. Its strong grip was forcing out any goodness she had left in her. She found herself in a jail cell for domestic violence, not once, not twice, but three times. By that point, she’d become consumed by the anger she felt for her father’s actions. Someone had to pay and hurt just like she did.
It’s so easy for us to point the finger at others when we have been wronged. As much as we wish it didn’t, evil exists and runs rampant in this world. Sin is destructive. Yet, when Peter asked Jesus if he had to forgive people up to seven times, Peter was surprised by His response. “Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” (Matthew 18:22) The message here, however, goes beyond numerical value. Jesus paints a picture of a lifestyle of forgiveness. Even in the most difficult situations, He tells us to forgive. Even if you are the one who has been wronged, forgive. Even if you don’t feel like it, forgive. It really is for your own good.
There’s an old saying that goes: Holding onto unforgiveness or anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When we choose not to forgive others it jeopardizes our walk with God. Forgiving releases anger and hurt and allows us to receive all the healing that God has for us. In Colossians, we are told we must learn to develop a heart and attitude of forgiveness so that the Father will forgive us of our own sins (verse 13).
We do this by putting on a new nature and being renewed as we learn how to become more like Christ (verse10). The message of Christ has to fill our lives (verse16) and everything we do should be done for the Lord, rather than people (verse 23). Forgiving others becomes easier the more you practice it and realize that it is Christ in you who empowers you to do what seems impossible. In return, we receive His undeserving forgiveness, mercy, and grace when we seek atonement for our own wrongs.
When Healing Takes Place
Something peculiar happened the last time Marie found herself in jail. A lady approached her and asked Marie if she could pray Psalm 23 and anoint her head with oil. Marie had no idea what that meant but she consented. Little did she know how that prayer would change her life. At that moment, the woman introduced Marie to Jesus, the Good Shepherd, and all He has to offer: rest, protection, comfort, blessings, and goodness all the days of her life. From that day forward, transformation began taking place in Marie’s life and heart. A bed opened up at a rehabilitation center that previously hadn’t had room. Marie spent three months there, freeing herself from the chains of drugs and alcohol. God was at work behind the scenes. While she was at the rehabilitation center, a halfway house for women offered her a bed, something most people don’t get for months. In that moment, the woman and Psalm 23 turned Marie’s life around one hundred and eighty degrees—she has never gone back to that life and her joy for God is contagious.
If you were fortunate enough to meet Marie today, you would have no idea what she went through. Instead, you would meet someone who is passionate, full of life, and a devoted follower of Jesus. She’s happily married and has grown children who have blessed her with grandkids. She’s involved in her home church, giving of herself and her resources, and she recently purchased a home in the community for women who have been victimized by the sex industry.
Life is not fair. We all know that, but you have a choice in how you deal with the challenges and wrongs in your life. If you stay wrapped up in pain and anger, you’ll never be able to fully experience or enjoy the present. Forgiveness is a process, one that requires a commitment to personal change. Forgiveness does not guarantee or require reconciliation, nor does it condone the offense. Forgiveness isn’t about the offender—it’s about you and your relationship with God. Forgiveness takes more courage than choosing not to forgive or let go and it allows you to hope for the future. Marie knew this, but also understood that, through forgiveness, the gift she would receive forever outweighed her fear.
As I listened to her speak, I was amazed by her bravery and inspired by her story. Marie had forgiven her father and, in turn, asked her to forgive him. Marie moved on and began working to heal the wound of her mother’s silence all these years. She talked to her mother and they reconciled. In the end, Marie’s act of forgiveness wasn’t weakness—it was an act of incredible strength.
Questions for Reflection
- What is your initial reaction regarding a lifestyle of forgiveness?
- How does our unwillingness to forgive result in a victim mentality?
- As Christians, how should we deal with people who continually offend us?
- If you have experienced a significant forgiveness incident, what steps did you take and what helped you heal from it?
